Faith

It's been rough lately. It's not the ups and downs that get me, it's the plateaus, when I trick myself into thinking maybe I'm doing all of this on my own. That's where I've been lately. I haven't been feeling or reacting to anything lately, even things that I've reacted to repeatedly in the past. The other night it was bad, in that I was really numb. Not a thing. We sat through this group bible study thing, and then I left and sat out on the lake. Still nothing. I went back to my apartment and basically fell asleep on the couch. I just didn't know what to do and sleeping seemed fitting since I was going to have about the same amount of brain and emotional activity. Actually sleeping was probably more beneficial since I've been running on low sleep lately. Anyways, Nick called me and woke me up. He's starting to understand that sometimes I just have to distance myself and be on my own - that's how I've learned to figure things out since college, as I no longer live in a house full of girls and next to another house full of guys to talk to. But he called to check up on me anyways and I didn't really have much to say except I appreciated the check up. I got up to brush my teeth and stuff and started thinking again and I had a revelation. This has happened a few days ago now because I didn't finish my post; at the time I had no emotional sense of God and while I'm still going through some stuff this summer it's nowhere near last summer and I don't feel like I have anything to bring to God - not rejoicing or for help. As if I were in a place where I could continue on like that and slide away from Him...my head tells me I shouldn't and I know my heart would change to stone. Something in my core never stops struggling against that idea and towards God. And I realized that I had a new definition of faith. I had nothing else in that moment to bring me to God - I hadn't had an emotional reaction to a played out alter call or felt like I needed something bigger than me to carry on or realized that I had something bigger than me carrying me. I only had a choice at that moment...to either continue to fade away. Or, for no reason, to do the very least I could do and turn to face Him wholly. And wait and trust that He will provide. This decision immediately gave me a lot of strength and more importantly hope..I feel like I'm an action-based person but I knew that if I made this smallest decision then God would take what I gave and work with it and help me walk back. Ironically I'm realizing now that I can't force myself to walk back alone like I do in most parts of my life, that defeats the whole point of relying on God. God is funny. So that's my story about faith. It's not about having facts and reason, that's logic and science. And it's not all about the emotional moments and bursts of feelings - they're a symptom, not a cause, and they're fleeting. When you feel like you've got nothing and no reason left and you choose to believe in God, that's faith.

Peace out, more to come soon.