Shake it off

Wow. So much has happened. I thought about putting this on my secret diary blog, but hey - the only people that check this out are my closest friends and one of the new things I'm working on is being honest and open at the right times.

Anyways. I am single again. But like never before in my ENTIRE life. Like NEVER before. I had a ton of clarity about why this happened and how everything came together. God spoke to both of us this week and we both listened. Now we both have things to work on and a mission...and because we both listened with willing hearts He made a way for us to stay close friends.

I think it's more important right now for me to document how I heard God because I feel like I never ever hear him. I went to the women's retreat this weekend after having a bad disagreement. I went knowing that I have closed myself off from relationships and I really didn't want to go but I felt like I had to, and that I also needed the distraction. We got there and I couldn't tell you anything about what exactly was said during the meetings but regardless I started getting inspired and passionate again. I started seeing that I had become stone and cynical and it was not good for anything and I needed to turn the heck around. I used to be a pro at trying to see the good and the value in every person, in not judging them, and I had been working hard at not talking about people. I used to strive to build meaningful relationships. And I'd not only become lost, but I basically have been booking it the other direction and became very superficial and catty. I hate that. Eh.

The weekend continued. I could tell that I was scared to ask for forgiveness, scared to admit I was wrong - and how wrong I was. Because I was also scared from the disagreement I'd had right before I left. My feelings were echoed in both situations. I didn't think I would find forgiveness in either place. And then I realized that I'd not only gotten lost with people but with God. There was a point where I felt a tug on my heart and I followed it and

Saturday night was awesome, there was a ballet. And it was super inspiring and ughhh...I'm always jealous of people who live doing something physical like dance or sports. But then I realized as many interests as I have, I really need to put everything I have into the things that I do.

I'll be honest, I was tired and bored out of my mind on Sunday, can't tell you anything that really impacted me except the ride home I opened the heck up and everything I figured out was reinforced.

A bunch of stuff happened, but for the sake of the theme of How I Heard God's Voice I'll skip to tonight. I was a sad mess. I just wanted to be with this guy. So eventually we start texting and we had said we were gonna talk but I could tell something was off. I hadn't understood till then what it was...I thought about it and God gave me a little bit of perception. I got it. And I asked if that was it and I nailed it. And then I sat there thinking about it...and I understood the whole situation. It's not like I heard a voice in my head - I just feel like I stopped and asked for clarity in the most unselfish way and I got it. And I got the entire plan. And now I'm so happy.

I also realized over the weekend that I don't pray like most people. Praying with words doesn't usually do it for me. I'm tired of words - there are so many overused phrases and words don't usually feel powerful enough. Prayer is communication with God and I communicate much better wordlessly. And there's nothing wrong with that, and I'm happy because now that I recognize that I can utilize it much better.

So there's a small part of the revelation I've had in the past week or so. Watch out.