I guess sometimes it takes more than false information to find out who we are

There's a topic that I think of every once in awhile that I both enjoy and dislike thinking about. What would I be like if I didn't strive to be a Christian? If I hadn't known or pursued God and his love at all? I know a bit. There are glimpses and sometimes lingering displays of that person whenever I decide to act in my own interests, whether that be in the good times or the bad. That person is my strong traits turned bad, and my bad traits multiplied. Strength and independence would turn into detachment and looking down on others. Spontaneity combined with my intense fun-seeking would leave behind all sense of responsibility and turn into a lot of bad decisions. The drive to do well would completely give way to selfish motives. My tendency to challenge authority would have been complete disregard for any kind of laws, turning into much worse than breaking open hours at school. I would only be looking out for myself. And, knowing myself, I have an idea of what consequences those attitudes would have held.

I would have no sense of loyalty or belonging to my family. I probably would have left and moved somewhere far away a long time ago. I would have done anything to make money fast and would spend it faster. I would have just done everything, even if just for the experience - sometimes, just for the experience. I would be terribly unhealthy, physically I would probably be drinking all the time and smoking and eating a lot of crappy foods and to be honest probably doing drugs and other things. Socially I know I'd be narcissistic and a terrible know-it-all with a lot of rage and depression. Worst of all I wouldn't even begin to understand or want to learn about godly love at all. Everything that I might have become would have been out of a lack of understanding our worth as God's children, not knowing that we are loved and that we should love and take care of each other. Without that, without knowing God and everything his existence and love implies, there is a lack of respect and a sense that everything is pointless. There is no goal, nothing to strive for, and for me I know that would mean I'd do everything to make it big. Get rich or die trying, Infamy is better than nothing at all, Look out for #1.

It's a little painful to even write about who I might have been. I can feel even now a faint but deep sense of hopelessness and despair in my heart, just thinking about a lifestyle lacking God. I am not perfect and I have a long way to go and a lot of growing to do, but dear God I thank you so much that I was blessed and was lead your way. Bless those willing servants that showed me who you are, and I pray that I have and can be used to do the same. I pray I'll continue to pursue you, chase after your way with a fire in my heart.

Love God, love others.