With a thousand lies and a good disguise

Alright, here comes some mental vomit. It's not pretty, there's a lot of it, and it's gonna be all over the place.

First off, I just hit a pole with my car. I'll indulge myself and tell you that I was backing out of a longish narrow driveway and I needed to get in the lane on the other side of the road...so I saw a small break in traffic and swiftly swung the bird's big nose around - right into the side of the telephone pole. I figured it couldn't have hurt anything big, so I decided to just angrily head home before looking at the damage. In the future I probably shouldn't do that, but I've never hurt a car before. The entire way I was so pissed at myself...I wanted to punch stuff hard but I was in the bird and really the last thing I wanted to do was damage it any more. So I blasted the music and sped home - also not the best idea, so it's a good thing the roads were clear and policeless at least. So I got home, and braced myself, and kept holding onto that little hope that I only nudged it on the side and it's an old metal car so maybe it just bounced off or maybe the damage wasn't that noticeable or at least didn't make anything unworkable...the battery is located about where I hit it but not much else. So I got out and looked...it was painful. I mean, I wince over the smallest scratches on that black paint, and I treasure this car. I'm being superficial, there are a million ways it could have been worse, but it's ugly. And then I noticed that it was closer to the headlight than I thought...so in perhaps another dumb move I turned them on to see if it would pop up. In a sad but almost humorous way, now neither of the headlights pop up all the way - the difference being that this one is now unable to come up any further due to how I mangled it. It won't go all the way back down either. Painful. Especially when I just got done a couple days ago with fixing all the little things that have needed to be fixed at a not-so-little expense.
 BUT. I've been slowly calming down and thinking about this...as much as I'm mad at myself, I'm starting to see just how much this car means to me. I've always been beyond obsessive compulsive when it comes to keeping things as factory-made perfect as I can. I think it's good that I love driving it and that I love taking care of it and putting time and energy into maintaining it and keeping it running well, but I am being superficial. I do need to fix the headlight, but it is just a car. It will still get me to and from work, it still runs like a champ, and I have been and am beyond blessed to have found a car with such a solid drivetrain...the looks have just been very much a HUGE added bonus...ahh. Yeah. I'll get over it.

Second. Time for me to eat any words I've spoken dismissively, even in my head, regarding couples that would pine for each other when having to deal with what they thought was long distance or a long time apart. From the time that my first boyfriend went to boot camp before college to about a week ago, I would scoff at any distance less than 6 hours and any time apart less than a few months. I was, and still am, the long distance relationship champ. Only problem is that I have forgotten about what it's like to be in a...local? relationship. It's an entirely different story to expect to be away for long periods of time than to know that you are very close to the person you want to see pretty much all the time - but aren't always able to. Being away from them sucks no matter what, but long distance is a slow deep ache that I've gotten used to, while this is sharp pointed reminders.

Second.5 - On a slightly separate but definitely related note, I tend to believe that the more time you take in a relationship and the slower you move, the better off it is in the long run. But again, having been long distance for years means that this is a huge adjustment. I'm gonna start referring to not-long-distance dating as normal dating. Ok, so 3 dates in normal dating time is maybe a week or two. 3 dates in my average long distance dating experience might take place over a month or two. So seeing someone more than once a week feels like BREAKNECK pace! And it's not that things are moving fast. I am just not used to being lucky enough to see the guy often at all. It's kinda insane. It makes me really wonder, more than ever before, what it would have been like to date someone at college, especially at Houghton. You're never further than a mile from them and you get a lot of freedom to dictate your own schedule. I don't know if I could have handled it! I find myself wondering how couples handle having plans every single night together, or really what marriage would be like. To be committed as completely as you could to someone, to live in the same place and wake up in the same bed and to just be around all the time...for years and years. It's not something I'm afraid of...just completely curious about, and not able to understand at this point.

Third. I don't know, I've just been restless, anxious, always hungry but not able to eat much, energy that has no outles, pent-up. I feel like if I got hired on full time again, it would solve a lot of my problems. I feel like then I'd be able to afford and be able to plan going to a gym (yeah, $10 a month at Planet Fitness is like nothing, but that's like a week of gas money haha). And there I would run for miles. And then maybe I'd feel ok enough to go to ultimate. Also I'd have the also kinda meager amount that it would cost for a real phone...Cricket has a phone I can get for free and the plan I'm looking at is $35 a month for unlimited calls, long distance, and texting. Pretty much all I'd ever need.

Fourth...there is a LOT of crap in my room. I would much prefer to start with an empty room, put in things like my bed and my clothes and computer, and then donate the rest. THERE IS JUST TOO MUCH CRAP. I wanna go Spartan.

Fifth...yah I like this guy a lot. I have yet to see in myself what they see in me though. Self-esteem issues for life, it feels like sometimes.

The end for now.