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The title is my ringtone, because my alarm on my phone just went off. Not that I needed it because I've been awake for about an hour and a half - stupid body! Well anyways, I had an interesting revelation this morning as I was trying to force myself to sleep. I am prideful, very prideful - still. Specifically, I realized this because I was talking to someone who is wise about a problem I've always had, and even as they were making valid points to me I was looking for ways to discredit what they were saying...essentially, in the end I subconsciously want people to say, Oh yeah, that's a real problem and I can't believe you have to deal with that...I don't think anyone knows how to help you because you are so wise but no amount of wisdom can fix that.
I never want to hear that I could do better, I never want to hear that I'm missing the point, I never want to hear that I'm not good enough or smart enough or strong enough or loving enough. But the bad part about it is that I only want to hear that I'm the best, I don't want to admit that I need help, and I don't want to admit that I have a long way to go. Very unhealthy thoughts. Ladies and gentleman, I'm a product of my own theory that a person's strongest traits are born out of a fear of appearing the opposite - my extreme competitiveness, determination, and appearance of self-confidence are prevalent in my personality because I'm scared that I'm not good enough.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. Ephesians 1:3-4
ReplyDeleteGod made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21
You have every spiritual blessing in Christ and you are the righteousness of God. I think that's good enough.